


One Last Speech

by SherlocksJohn



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Overdose, Pain, Post-Reichenbach, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, drug overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-04 13:04:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3069029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlocksJohn/pseuds/SherlocksJohn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You bastard " he said , throwing the bottle at the gravestone and what followed his voice was echoed shattering voice of the glass through the cemetery.</p><p>“You took away my ordinary life! You showed me a world that NOW, I CAN'T live without" </p><p>"So here I am and it's my last speech Sherlock. Goodbye. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Machine Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> I have this unfinished one on my hands , yet I felt like writing a new one .  
> Sue me .  
> Enjoy the feels !

 

As sun was setting, John found himself in the cemetery. Stumbling to his feet.

 

With a bottle of the crappiest whiskey he could afford to buy from the pub two blocks away. Half of it was already gone when he arrived at where he meant to visit.

 

Sherlock's grave.

 

Anyone who didn't even know him in person, was aware of how messed up John was these days .

 

even when he smiled to thank people for any reason or to be polite you could say he wants to gets away from you as fast as possible and lock himself in his room , kneel down and hug his knees and cry .

 

Therapies was doing him no good , because he didn't bear to get it out of his chest . It will get real . he thought , I'll say it and it'll get real , and when it gets real it means ... I have to stop waiting .

 

You may say it's not John Watson . He doesn't cry when he's pain . He's strong . He bears it all . He's a fighter .

 

But you know what happens , when things keep going wrong ?

when you keep putting pieces together , and it breaks and it falls down again and again and again .. you'll just give up at some point . Trying again requires hope and will , that John had neither of them .

 

suddenly John Watson , who became a doctor to save , who became a soldier to protect found himself latching to the old memories he had at war , and then again he had with Sherlock .

 

 

But John Watson himself didn't know himself anymore. He looked into mirror and saw this alien living in his body.

Every day he woke up , to a 221B without Sherlock , he tried to convince himself that he will get through this . But, This morning , it wasn't enough . Not anymore.

 

You know, John had never really gotten over his PTSD. It was just temporarily gone because of the sudden rush of adrenaline through his veins everyday , forgotten between all the complexity of living with Sherlock Holmes .

 

John brought the bottle to his lips , and took a sip down before holding it in front of his eyes . it was nearly empty .

 

 

 

" Okay , guess I'm drunk enough for this now "

 

 

"This , Sherlock ... is my last visit . " He took a step closer to the gravestone .

 

"I probably don't have to say it. You have already deduced it“ he smiled bitterly

 

"Truth is, I was a lonely man when I came back from Afghanistan. It wasn't that anybody wouldn't take me in or nobody stood the look on my face. It was that... I didn't wanted them to take care of me, I didn't wanted people to pity me. I was full of pride, leaving my homeland behind to serve the army. But then, I felt shame. I felt useless, Sherlock! I felt BLOODY USELESS! “He shouted to the empty cemetery.

"Then I met Mike, then I met you and then you looked at me. And then you knew. You KNEW!“ He let out a choked sob.

 

"All my thoughts and insecurities, suddenly laid bare in front of your eyes. But you didn't pity me. You didn't try to take care of me the way normal people do. You made me feel wanted. You made me feel useful. You made me feel like I can save lives again, or protect people from harm's way”

 

He took another sip of the whiskey. It burned all the way down to his stomach.

 

"And now, you're gone ...

 

I keep waiting every day. My eyes glued to the door. My drunken eyes of course! But it appears ... YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK, and I was just a fool, just a bloody fool to believe that you ever would”

Suddenly rage started filling him up.

 

"You bastard " he said , throwing the bottle at the gravestone and what followed his voice was echoed shattering voice of the glass through the cemetery.

 

“You took away my ordinary life! You showed me a world that NOW, I CAN'T live without"

"So here I am and it's my last speech Sherlock. Goodbye. "

 

He stood there a few seconds and turned and walked away.

 

_______________________________________________________

 

 

 

John sat down by the refrigerator and set the little orange bottle and a glass of water beside him.

 

"Look at me. Even my death's so pathetic.”  He said opening the bottle, spilling some in his hand. I think that will do it.  He thought.

and swallowed them down drinking water to force them down .  He was a doctor. He knew precisely how many of what drugs will insure him one last nightmare-less sleep.

 

"Pills brought us together. Pills brings us together” he murmured then smiled and waited

 

 

One hour later. John felt every second passes a minute and every minute an hour. He felt his heart beating slower, his body strength slowly weakening, and His head dizzy. They're taking effect he thought.

 

And somehow that thought brought a smile to his face. Misery ends

 

No more pain . Not alone anymore . If I'm lucky , I'll be with Sherlock again and if not , doesn't really matter anyway . It will be better than this .  
  
As John was slowly drifting to unconsciousness and these thoughts were overwhelming him, he heard the door shut open down the stairs .

“JOHN” was what he heard in a familiar voice . Yet he couldn’t quite recognize . His mind was failing him .

“John ! Don’t do anything stupid !” this time the voice came louder , clearer , closer .  
  
“I’m …” the door opened , and the words were cut .  
  
It’s Sherlock ! realization kicked in .  
He’s here . His heart stopped

Then again he thought . It’s the drugs . I’m hallucinating . It’s working . It’s all surreal .

“Oh my God , John ..” The surreal Sherlock kneeled down , or better say , fell down on his knees . Shaky hands  reached his shoulders .

Shaking him . Then he saw the evidence . He reached for the bottle and looked in it .

“Propranolol” he whispered .

Panicked , he reached for his phone and dialed .

“999 , What’s your emergency ?”

 

“It’s a .. It’s a drug overdose .Propranolol. The address is 221B Baker Street. Come quickly .” He shoved his phone in his pocket .

 

“John…” he said his voice shaky reaching for his face . Forcing it up to look in his eyes . “Can you hear me? John ? It’s me . It’s Sherlock”

 

“Of course it’s Sherlock . Who else would I hallucinate when dying, genius ?” he almost whispered . Words lost between his slow breathing.

 using his right hand Sherlock opened his mouth and forced two of his long fingers in John’s throat . Trying to get him to vomit .

John resisted . Somehow managed to push Sherlock hardly enough that he fell backwards.

Yet , more strong and forceful , Sherlock pushed John against the refrigerator and tried again . Luckily for him , John didn’t have time to put his strength together once again for punch or a kick or anything that would shove Sherlock away .

 

Seconds later , Sherlock felt John wanting to throw up and thank great God there was a bin right next to where John was . Sherlock guided John’s head to it , trying to get drugs in John’s stomach out , stop it from resolving into his blood , swiftly making John’s heart slower and slower .

John was confused. He slid the back of his hand to his mouth to wipe his mouth . He felt weaker.

All of the strength left for him , He had used it to struggle this man who he couldn’t tell he was real or surreal anymore .

And he collapsed on to the floor . Sherlock grabbed him just in time before his head hitting the kitchen tiles . He slid next to him and dragged John’s head into his lap .

He kept staring at the eyes that was between opened and closed . John was breathing through his mouth now .

John was didn’t know what world he was in , But he knew that this was Sherlock . Even if his eyes couldn’t quite focus to give him a clear picture of the man who was holding him In his arms and now was caressing his hair while his other hand stilled on his cheek .

“Let me die” was what John managed to say , deciding that the only way to find out what’s surreal and what’s not , is to die and make the pain stop . and If the pain stop , he would then know .

 

“NO !” His anger at himself making his voice raised up .

“You are gonna be okay . Soon . The medics are coming . Hold on”

He said , John was shaking now . His body temperature slowly dropping . Sherlock must have felt it too , because he got John’s hand in his own , checking his pulse .

“Come on , Where are these useless medics ?” he said angrily . taking John’s hand in his own .

“Why did you have to do this John ? Whyy ?” His voice the saddest it had ever been .

And What hurt him , was that he already knew the answer .

But John replied anyway .

“I need you .. I .. need to be ..with you” John stuttering between his words .

“I’m here now John . I’m here”

“No you’re not .” John almost thought he didn’t say it , because he didn’t hear his own voice .

“I am real , John ! look at me !” He said taking the hand that was holding John’s hand to his face , his hand now on his wrist , pushing John’s hand to his face .

John’s hand melting to the warmness of his face , fingers brushing the bony cheekbone of the former detective .

Sherlock closed his eyes to the touch , tears finally seeking their way out and falling down as soon as he opened them .

John tried to form a question . “Yo- “

“Yes” Sherlock replied and smiled .

 “Ar-“

“Yes”

“Ali-“

“Yes”

John’s heart beginning to beat faster a little . His ears began to hear clearer .

“And for the proof … “ Sherlock tightened his arms around John and John’s head was lying on the right side of Sherlock’s chest .

His stomach was clenching in pain . Feelings that he never knew he could have weakened his body the way he never dreamed in his wildest dreams .

Holding John this close definitely broke his rules of personal privacy , but who cared .  John was all that mattered now .

He just wanted to hold John . tightly . Make him sure that he was there .

“Do you hear it John? “

John closed his eyes to the pumping sound that came from Sherlock’s heart .

“Do you hear it ? “ he repeated .

“Yes.”

“What is it ?”

“Your heart”

“What is it doing?”

“Beating rapidly… “

“ Because of you , John . You’re making me feel things , that does this to my body . Makes my heart beat One .. No .. Two times faster than usual . Makes my hands shake .Fills me up with a horror that stops my mind”

John closed his eyes to the sound . Tap Tap .. Tap Tap .. . He enjoyed the rhythm . The beautiful music which Sherlock’s body was playing .  

“Sherlock , My God , Sherlock “ John whispered looking back at Sherlock. Sherlock just smiled and let John’s hand brush his curls to the back of his ear .

 

“I’m sleepy.” John murmured .

John said he said as his hand fell down  . Closing his eyes . slowly drifting to the land of unconsciousness .

“Open your eyes . John ! John ! look at me ! You have to stay awake ! “

No response

“John ! No ! wake up !” Sherlock shouted , shaking John .

He heard the sirens .

Finally

“John! They’re here . You’ll be fine .”  checking for his pulse that was fairly beating now . It was almost unrecognizable

Sherlock was sure his heart skipped not just a beat , but a few beats .

He set John beside him . Leaving him there .

“Stay with me !” he said to the unconscious body .

Then heard the knocks on the door . and He heard Mrs Hudson say “What is it ? What’s going on ?”

“We’ve been informed there’s an emergency here”

“Oh ..”

“Does anybody live upstairs ?”

“Umm ..” Mrs. Hudson was surely shocked . She didn’t understand what’s going .

“Madam !”

“Yes ! Yes ! Come with me ! “ She said hesitantly , rushing upstairs  , Just after Sherlock went to hide in his room . He couldn’t be seen . Not now .

“Oh good Lord …” She said as she saw John’s body laid on the floor of the kitchen.

“He’s still alive” The man said and Sherlock breathed .

“Inject this” The medic man said handing the intern that was newly submitted girl to his team .

She did . “Okay , let’s take him outta here” two men helping him with that.

They got John to the ambulance , As Sherlock came to look from the window , careful not to draw any attention . And he watched it turn and leave , taking John away from him .

He felt every atom in his body shake . Fear . Overtaking him . Sadness . Guilt .

And then the feeling he had when he had John in his arms . When he had John’s head pressed to his chest . The way John had touched his face , The smile he had when he knew Sherlock was for real . Purest kind of happiness .

It made his heart warm yet it was like having someone squeeze it hard . Having your lungs ripped out of your chest .

It was all unfamiliar .

“John…Please …” whatever he wanted say was cut short by his trembling lips, because his legs couldn’t stand the weight of him anymore . He kneeled down slowly by the window . Not worried that his sobs will alarm the landlady because she was gone to hospital with John .

“Don’t leave me . Please don’t … Oh God .” He took a sudden deep breath .

“It’s all my fault … all my fault . I should’ve known . Should’ve seen this coming”

He bent down and hid his face between his legs and let any physical and mental pain he had overtake him .

\---------------------------------------------------------------- 

John woke up in the Bart’s hospital . It was midnight and the light was off .

It got him a few minutes of thinking until he remembered why was here .

_I attempted suicide ._

And from the feelings he had in his stomach he could say , they have washed my stomach .

But how would anyone know about what he was going to do ?

Then more information flashed through his brain .

_Sherlock ._

 

His breathing fastened .

 

_Sherlock ._

 

Then again , Then again , The again . The word popped up in his thoughts every second .

_I need to see him . I need to … I need to …_

He slowly sat upright .

_I need to get out of here ._

He unattached tube , stopping the liquid from flowing in his veins and giving back the strength he needs . He stood up . Luckily he had worked in hospitals before . so he knew how to get to his clothes .

When dressed , he slowly opened the door and looked out . Everybody was minding their own business . Nobody would notice his exit.

So he took the stairs instead of elevator , for the slightest chance that anyone would recognize his face . His mind was still kinda dizzy , so getting down stairs was not such an easy task for him.

But he made it out .

“Taxi!” he called , and with his first try , he got one .

 And we already know to what destination.

 


	2. One Step Past Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I'm a shitty writer when my ff turns to fossils.  
> But here I am hanging on to this thing i wrote ages ago . 
> 
> I wish i can break your heart to put it back together soon enough.

Chapter 2

 

“Baker street” he said as soon as he sat in.

The ride home , he thought , was the longest it had ever been . But he had learnt as a kid , the longer you wait , the thing you arrive to will be more pleasurable . either it’s a candy , or meeting a long loved lost friend.

Soon he started putting his thoughts to order .

_So Sherlock’s alive._

_He didn’t die when he fell ._

_How’s that even possible ? I saw his head smash to the ground . his blood on the pavement._

Suddenly , It was like John was re-living the scene . All he could smell the irony  smell of blood , red red running liquid on his pale as moonlight skin . The people taking him away from him and-.

imagination caused sorrow and sorrow caused weakness all over his trembling body.

Being in war , had him seeing the worst injuries . treating the  bloodiest and deadliest wounds without slightest disgust in his stomach .

But God , at the blood of his friend , his mind went black , his thoughts was storming out and his heart –

He forced his eyes shut.

_Maybe I was hallucinating._

But his body refused to believe this as he remembered Sherlock’s warmth . The tight embrace of his arms.

_Was it a dream ? or Drugs ?_

Then he remembered  having Sherlock pushing him against the refrigerator , trying to get him to throw up .Now his mind couldn’t be that creative could it ?

“Oh my God, Sherlock” he whispered louder the he meant .

“Sorry sir , you said something ?” The cabbie asked

“What ? uh … nothing”

“But I’ll get off here , thanks” he said reaching for his wallet to pay the cap .

John was secretly relieved when he had just the right amount of money to pay .

As he stood by the door , he feared . To finally have his questions answered . Of answers not being what he wanted them to be .

_Pull it together , Watson ._

He opened the door . Slowly going upstairs to not wake Mrs. Hudson .

The door to the flat was open . So John was frozen in midway through the stairs seeing what he saw.

_It can’t be_

John moved even more slowly . As if this scene could fade away if he rush into it . As if this was a mirage . Like Sherlock was John’s mirage .

“John?” Sherlock said  

Sherlock walked to John nervously . Maybe because he was staring at him like he was a ghost.

He took his shoulder and slightly shook him .

“Sh-r-lo-ck” phrasing simply the letters of his name

“Are you – Are you alright?” his voice shaky.

John took a step back . Dropping Sherlock’s hold on his shoulder.

“Do you have … any idea” said John inhaling deeply through his mouth . Fisting his hand .

“What you’ve put me through?” He finished his sentence after exhaling slowly but deeply.

“John , I can explain …” his voice apologizing but steady at least.

“I almost died for you !” John shouted

“I know” Sherlock whispered

“I grieved you !” This was supposed to be a shout too , but it was highly silenced by his attempt to not shed a tear .

“I know”

“I missed you” slipped through John’s lips .  Weakly . Pleading . _Pathetic._ John thought.

“I know” Sherlock said again , What he meant to was “ _Me more_ ”

“No, You don’t” John said harshly with his deadly smile.

“Sentiment?” Sherlock asked .

The answer was a quick “Yes” and it took Sherlock aback.

And then , silence . A long awkward killing silence which was only disturbed by their breathes.

“You need rest” Sherlock said.

“We’ll talk” he quickly added.

John nodded. Getting ahold of his nerves .

 

John turned and went to now damp and dusty old room . But he stopped halfway . Looking back at Sherlock . Wanting to say what was lingering at the tip of his tongue.

Sherlock already knew.

 

“I will be here in the morning , I promise” Sherlock said desperately .

 

John just nodded . He figured out it would be easier than words that he couldn’t form a sentence with.

He headed to his room . But his feet were soon failing him . The body strength he had regained was lost during all the drama .So he stumbled and leaned to the wall .

“Do you need help ?”

“No” he said as he took another step . His head was now dizzy . His eyes not giving him a clear vision . “I’m fi-“ and he blacked out ,falling as his back was luckily scrubbed against the wall , so he didn’t hit his head anywhere.

Sherlock sprang into action after a moment of shock and when he got back to himself , he realized that the only way of getting John into a bed , was getting him to his which wasn’t upstairs .

He soon walked to his room to open the door and ready the bed which was soaked with dust now . He changed the sheets and brought new ones from his drawer . Noticing not a single change in his room .

_Mrs. Hudson told me to put your stuff in boxes. I told her I couldn’t do that . I can never walk into that room again ._

John had told him in one day at his grave.

He looked around . Hearing John saying

_You don’t like people going through your stuff._

And then John had laughed to himself _. See I’m still using present tense. Ho-w sad is that ?! Sentiment ?_

He got back to take John to bed.  When he made sure he was holding John tightly , he stood up . Easier then he thought . Not that he thought John was an out of shape man and heavy to hold . John was a small man . But he never looked it . People looked at him and didn’t go “he’s small” . They’d go “He has shaped and muscular body”

Here he stood , Sherlock , with his little soldier in his hands . And for once he thought he’d agree with people . He took John to bed so carefully as one mother hold her child for one first time.

He put him in bed gracefully and sat by his side after covering him with sheets to protect him from the coldness of his room . London was rainy these days.

Watching him in  peace, He exhaled in relief   _._ He could watch John all night.

_It’s not over._

A voice said at the back of his head

_Of course it’s not . It’s only the beginning._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANY help you have in making me write even the slightest bit better. DO NOT HESITATE !  
> Tell me what you like.  
> Ok , I'll probably shut up now .. !

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to end it at two chapters . but it depends. what do you think ?  
> I know it has some problems . duh , no one's perfect except Benedict Cumberbatch!  
> kudos is a writer's best friend !


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